What If, a monologue

It was New Year’s Eve, 2019 into 2020, and there was this magical feeling in the air. It seemed like anything was possible back then, didn’t it?

I never thought I’d do the Times Square thing but my friend Mark’s a waiter at an Italian place on 44th Street and they had a big New Year’s Eve Party. I wasn’t going to go but he snuck me in at the last minute and I ended up having the best time.

At eleven-thirty everyone gets walked over to Broadway and yeah, it’s cold but there are so many people that somehow it all works out.

The crowd was dense and moved quickly and I lost Mark and I just felt all alone there, in a crowd in the center of the world and started to freak out.

45, 44, 43, what if something goes wrong and I’m all by myself?

42, 41, 40. I must’ve looked panicked and then this guy leaned into me, out of nowhere. And I’m like woah. He looked just…too perfect. Eyes that blinked and cut to the core of my soul.

“You okay?” He said.

32, 31, 30.

“You’re really cute…2020’s gonna be an amazing year” and I just nodded and smiled.

Before I know it the crowd is going nuts and it’s 3, 2, 1… and he leaned into me and planted the biggest, most wonderful, sensual, kiss right on my lips and I-

(he takes a moment)

It was one of those moments, you know? I felt alive.

I went home with him, of course. Gus. That’s his name, we didn’t exchange names until after we kissed. And I ah, went back to see him the next night and the next, and soon we were cooking together & going to the gym, and talking about doing gay couple things together, you know, like getting a dog and going to Puerto Vallarta. He’s a flight attendant but didn’t have to work for a few more weeks so we got to connect and spent a lot of time and space together. Every night for a month, just the two of us. And then he had a flight. It was a Thursday, the first week of February and he flew to Rome and I remember I had this feeling like he shouldn’t go, you know? I didn’t say anything. I didn’t speak up even though I had that angel on my shoulder nudging me.

I felt uneasy the whole time he was gone and when he came back he was coughing a lot and felt sick but swore it was his allergies. We had plans to see a movie, Bombshell, and he cancelled on me, saying he was exhausted and felt like he should get some rest. The next day I woke up to a text saying he was going to the hospital, and not to worry, he would be okay.

I texted him to keep me updated and then write that he owed me a proper movie night followed by that smiley face with the little blonde emoji that has one arm up real sassy like…

(he demonstrates)

He clicked to laugh at the emoji and then that was it.

(pause)

I didn’t really get a chance to meet any of his friends.

I don’t know any of his family, and none of them know me. Or got to know me. I don’t think they ever will.

He didn’t use social media so uh, I didn’t really know how to get a hold of anyone. I called the airline he worked for but they couldn’t provide me with any information.

I called the hospital and they just put me on hold. I tried again and again and got through to a nurse who told me that he um…you know. He uh…

(pause)

He was from Houston and he had a dimple here and a scar above his eye right here.

He had blue eyes and this laugh that made me laugh too.

I wish I could have stopped him from going into work that day, maybe if he hadn’t gotten onto that plane he wouldn’t have, you know. Or maybe if I had spent the night I could have helped to take him to a different hospital and he might have had a better chance, or something.

I dunno. Anyways.

I just keep thinking what if, you know? What if.